Fountain Pen
by Quiet Leaf
Summary: Ed goes to a stationary shop to buy a new pen, and everything dissolves into chaos. I guess. One-shot, sort-of-crack!


**It's not absolutely necessary, but if you want to get the full joke from this, please read the first chapter of my two-shot Harry Potter crossover. You don't have to have read Harry Potter to get it.**

* * *

 **The Library**

Edward poised his pen on a blank page of his research journal. Not looking up from the book he had his nose buried in, he began to scribble notes on the page—however, he hadn't written more than four words when he was interrupted by a _snap_.

Ed's head shot up, his concentration broken, and he gazed at the terrible sight before him.

His last fountain pen had cracked down the middle, and when he let go of it the two halves fell away from each other. That was the third pen he'd broken this week.

He continued to stare for another ten seconds before standing with a sigh and grabbing his coat off the back of his chair. He wandered around the bookshelf to inform Al that he was leaving to get a new pen, then set off.

The autumn day was crisp and cold, the last vestiges of summer fading into the breeze. Ed pulled his coat tighter around him and continued forward.

 **The Marketplace**

Ed pushed open the door to his usual stationary shop and began perusing the aisles for the pens he usually bought. Aha! There—

He came to a dead stop.

There, holding exactly the same kind of pen Edward always bought and standing in front of exactly the same shelf he got his fountain pens from, was Roy Mustang.

Ed blinked, rubbed his eyes, and blinked again.

The Colonel was still there. And he had noticed him.

"Ah, Fullmetal. What are you doing here this fine morning?"

Ed's eye twitched. He stalked up to the shelf and snatched up a different pen from the one Mustang was holding. "Buying a pen." He stalked up to the counter and slammed his selected item on it. Mustang walked up behind him casually, whistling. Ed turned to glare at his superior officer, but saw behind him and stopped. His mouth dropped open.

There, flipping through a planner, was Truth.

'-'

Ed stared long enough for Mustang to start getting worried. He turned to see what the younger alchemist was staring at—it was just a typical young man with blond hair and blue eyes.

He turned back to Edward and waved a hand in front of his face. "Fullmetal? Why are you staring at him?"

Ed raised a shaking hand to point at man. "It's Truth, Mustang," he whispered. "Here. In the stationary shop."

Roy couldn't help it. He stared at his subordinate in utter confusion. "What are you talking about, Fullmetal?"

"It's _Truth_!" he cried hysterically. "And it's just standing there, looking at planners like it's a normal person!"

The cashier was also staring now. "Um, is he okay?"

Mustang nodded and placed a hand on Ed's shoulder. "Yes, he just didn't get enough sleep last night." He began steering Edward toward the door.

"Wait!" Ed twisted around in an attempt to go back to the counter. "What about my pen?"

"Who cares about your pen, Fullmetal?" Mustang asked, placing his own back on the shelf as he did so. "We need to talk about your hallucination. I don't know what you mean by "Truth", but you cannot start screaming about random civilians being it, got that?"

By now they had reached the street outside the store. Ed looked about ready to explode. The young alchemist dug his heels into the pavement, bringing the two of them to a stop. "I'm telling you, it was standing right there!"

Roy sighed, then decided he knew what his subordinate was talking about. "Are you telling me that you think the truth about the Philosopher's Stone was standing in the middle of a stationary shop?"

Ed shook his head violently. "No, not that kind of truth! The one that stands at the Gate!"

By now Roy was thoroughly confused, and they were gathering stares. Ed grabbed a random stranger. "You! What do you see there?" He pointed through the shop window, where the young man was paying for the planner and the fountain pen Ed had been going to buy.

The stranger, who was wearing small round sunglasses despite there being no need for them, looked down at Ed with raised eyebrows. "A young man buying a planner. Why?"

"Ugh! That is _not_ a young man buying a planner! It's a white, human-shaped _thing_! And why did it take so long to pick out a planner? It's Truth! It knows everything, so it must know which planner is the perfect one!" Ed continued to rant like this for a few more minutes.

Roy and the random stranger looked at each other, and the former shrugged helplessly. "I've never seen him like this before."

The stranger sighed. "Well, nice talking to you, I guess. The name's Greed, by the way." The stranger turned and walked away.

'-'

Ed suddenly noticed that Mustang wasn't listening to his rant. "Hey, don't ignore me!"

The older man turned from where he was watching the retreating back of the random stranger Ed had pulled from the foot traffic. "What?"

Edward took a deep breath to continue his rant, but stopped again upon looking behind Mustang.

Truth was exiting the clock shop now, a wristwatch attached to its arm.

Not wasting a moment, Ed dashed around Mustang and ran after the other-worldly being. He'd almost reached it when it disappeared into thin air. Ed attempted to stop, but it was too late. He skidded into a tall man with white hair and dark skin who was wearing sunglasses, just like the random stranger. The most noticeable thing about him was the X-shaped scar on his forehead.

"Apologies," the man said.

'-'

Mustang gaped for a moment when he spun around and saw Ed running after the blond-haired young man. He stood there for about five seconds, staring, then ran after him. He slowed to a stop a few feet away from Edward, who was being helped to his feet by a menacing-looking man with a large X-shaped scar on his face. The man spotted him, and his eyes seemed to narrow behind his shades.

"You are the Flame Alchemist, Colonel Roy Mustang, correct?"

"Ye—AHHH!"

The man had leaped forward, and Roy had to jump back in order not to be caught. "Hey what—gah!"

'-'

Ed stared at the battle in surprise. He certainly hadn't expected random stranger no. 2 to pick a fight with Mustang.

The fight was now drifting farther down the street. Mustang seemed to be handling himself all right, so Ed shrugged and started back to the library. In the opposite direction that the other two alchemists were going, fortunately. Al was probably starting to wonder what was taking him so long to get back.

'-'

When Ed returned to the library, Al was sitting on the steps outside holding all of the things Edward had left inside.

"I'm sorry, brother," he said. "I accidentally knocked over a bookshelf and they kicked me out. They probably won't let us back in for a few days."

Edward sighed. "It's okay. We'll just have to wait. Let's go back to the hotel." On the way, Ed was sure to inform Alphonse of everything that had happened on his little shopping trip.

Al remained silent for a little while, then spoke at last. "Brother, I think you need to get some more sleep."

'-'

That evening as Ed was looking at his research notes, he suddenly remembered the pen he hadn't gotten the chance to buy. By now shops were starting to close, and if he wanted to get that pen, he needed to go. _Fast_.

Edward leaped to his feet, pulled on his coat, and bolted out the door without a word to Al, who felt terribly confused. Edward got there just in time to see the 'OPEN' sign being flipped to say 'CLOSED'.

He collapsed in a puddle of despair.

'-'

Meanwhile, Truth hummed as it wrote down the time that its next customer would be arriving in its brand-new planner with its brand-new fountain pen.

* * *

 **In case anyone's wondering, Scar didn't attack Ed because he didn't recognize him.**

 **-Quiet Leaf**


End file.
